Part 1: And So It Begins

Hello and welcome (back) to Sha God. 


Today’s post is the first of several on mental health and my journey through it all. I’ll be talking about some heavy and extremely personal things over the next few weeks. This is very timely, yet exceptionally difficult as I am in the midst of a season of depression and anxiety as I write these words. 


For many years, I’ve felt compelled to write about my experience with mental health...BUT...fear, pride, insecurity. So why now?  I have no other reason except that I want to offer my life experience to point to Christ and help people along the way...even if it’s only one person. So here it goes:


As a child, I was very extreme emotionally. I was either exceedingly happy or intensely sad, and it could change at the drop of a hat. The only thing that topped my moods was my severe anxiety. I was terrified of storms, specifically tornadoes, and would go into an emotional tailspin when a thunderstorm was predicted. My obsessive tendencies became very obvious during these times of anxiety. I had certain prayers I “had” to say, in certain ways, mentioning certain people, for fear that bad things would happen, if I didn’t do it just right. 


I became a Christian at 6 years old, but I didn’t realize that I could give God my worries, my anxieties, my fears. I knew He loved me but He felt big and far away. 


Although, it was probably a crazy rollercoaster for my immediate family, I don’t think that most people realized these things about me. I was a very agreeable child, always put on a happy face, and was successful in school. 


As I wrote about in a previous post, when I was 12 and 16 years old, I experienced different incidents of sexual assault. These horrific times in my life deepened my depression and anxiety significantly. 


As I said previously, I knew the Lord. I even went through significant periods of time where I studied scripture, went to church camps, and led people to the Lord, but I just couldn’t comprehend that God could or would help me with my depression and anxiety. 


I remember as a teenager, crying so much that I thought I’d never stop. The pit of depression was so deep and dark and the walls were so slippery that there was no way to crawl out. Death seemed to be the only way out. This is when I saw my first psychiatrist and began taking my first medication. 


The next 10 years were full of many ups and downs. I married my high school sweetheart at age 19. This was a wonderful time in my life full of adventure and new beginnings. I consistently took my medicine and I felt pretty “steady”. Then, something I’d wanted all my life happened. I became pregnant with my sweet Sophie at 21. I was overjoyed!!  Unfortunately, this meant the doctor was going to take me off my medicine ,for my baby girl’s safety. Back flooded the anxiety. I can’t tell you how many nights I laid awake worrying about a million possibilities and tragedies that would happen to her during her life. 


Then we moved to North Carolina. Brandon was hired at his first ministry job and at 24, we were blessed with a surprise pregnancy of my little buddy, Corban. This time, I knew what was coming...no medicine and a mind spiraling out of control. This time, along with the anxiety, came crippling depression. I slept to escape life and how hard it felt.  


Where was God?  We were following Him. In fact we followed Him half way across the country!!  My mind couldn’t understand why He would allow my depression to continue. 


At 28 weeks pregnant, I began experiencing contractions. I let these “Braxton Hicks” contractions continue for about 3 days before they became too intense to bare. I went to the hospital and, to my surprise, I was starting to go into labor. They gave me a steroid for my baby boys lungs and immediately put me on medication and complete bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. 


My depression deepened. 


I stayed on my couch for 7 weeks, 1,500 miles away from all family, unable to take care of my 2 years old baby girl, and felt worthless as a wife. I was in a desperate place, yet I read the word of God daily...constantly. What did He want me to know and learn?  I leaned into Him. 


Corban was born at 35 weeks. He stayed in the NICU for 17 days because of a heart condition, under-developed lungs and because he was...well...too lazy to eat!  Ha!  


Thankfully, six months after Corban was born, I was back on medication and we headed back to Missouri and to family. Things were better...for a while...


—Kassy


Check in next week for part 2 

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